By Seth Rudetsky
11 Aug 2009

Seth Rudetsky (left) with Duncan James (host), Teen Angle and Rizzo at The Cavern

Hello, loves. 'Tis I, old chaps.

Let me start by saying that I sympathize with Madonna. Not for singing Evita three steps down, but for adopting a phony English accent. I've found that it's very hard to avoid talking like you're British when you're surrounded by Brits. It almost takes more of an effort to not speak like them. It does, however, take no effort to not eat like them. Let me just say that this was the first time in the history of television that I didn't make the craft service table area double as my dressing room.

I spent the first five days in Liverpool where I'd travel every day to the Wallasey School, which is right over the river. It was the final week of rehearsals for their production of Grease. The TV show concept is that high school kids have their show put up by professionals. So the producer/host of the show was Duncan James, who's a member of a famous British boy band, and the show was directed and choreographed by Stacey Haynes, who's been involved with many shows on the West End. I was brought in to give them some Broadway sass. The Wallasey School is public, but they have a big concentration in art and theatre. There were tons of photos of past productions all over the walls as well as great artwork. But the one thing they don't study in the U.K. is American accents. Hoo, boy. The first sign that I had a lot of work to do is when I got my "script" for the days shooting. The producers wanted me to tell the kids that they had to speak like an American all day. However, this was the very natural dialogue they gave me: "You need to speak American everywhere. During rehearsal, whilst taking a shower…" "Whilst?" I gently informed them that no one has said "whilst" in America since the 1600's, as in "Pass me the sweet potatoes whilst that witch burns."

Then they asked me to do American things with the kids and stared at me for examples. I told them that I don't know what things I do that are American as opposed to British, besides seeing a dentist twice a year (come on…I needed one British teeth joke). They gave me a big box full of American things and had me pass them out. For some reason, one of the American things I passed out was a bowl of popcorn. They don't have that in the U.K.? One of the kids tried out his accent on me with this sentence; "Hey, Seth! Let's go play some American football." I gently explained that in the U.S., by the very fact that we are in America, we don't need to put the word "American" before things. Then I handed out various sports paraphernalia like baseballs and footballs, and both the Brits and I had no idea what to do with them.

They're doing the "school version" of Grease, which runs just 45 minutes. It's essentially a couple of lines and then one or two verses of a song. They've also cleaned up any objectionable material for the school version, and it's crazy. In "Summer Nights," the substitute for We made out…under the dock is literally We told jokes…under the dock. What? That was the best substitution they could come up with? Why not "We faced away from each other…under the dock"?

I loved walking around Liverpool and seeing how different it was from America except for the fact that every time I started to cross the street, a car came terrifyingly zooming towards me from a direction I never considered looking in. Why do they drive on the opposite side of the street here? Just to kill Americans? Also, I was raging at the globalization of Liverpool because every ten feet was another Starbucks. I don't want a fancy coffee store, I want coffee the way Liverpudlians drink it. I felt that way until I got to the set, asked for a cup of coffee, and they explained that all they had to offer was instant coffee. What the-?? Are they trying to start another Revolutionary War?

On the second day of filming, they wanted to give a few kids a chance to perform in front of a live audience, so we went on a field trip with them to a place called "The Cavern." What's historic about that place is that The Beatles were discovered there! What's not historic is that the original Cavern was torn down and a new one built across the street. So it was sort of like on "Bewitched" when the original Darren was torn down and everyone pretended the new one was the same thing.

	Seth Rudetsky and the Wallasey School kids

Wednesday was my last day of filming at the school, so that night we took a crazily fast train to London. We checked in at around 10:30 and immediately took a walk around the neighborhood. I loved it As soon as we started walking, we saw the theatre where Hairspray is playing and then we walked a little further and saw Chicago. Our hotel was right near an area called the "Seven Dials," which is a little circle that has seven streets leading out from it. People were just hanging around, there were all these little shops, and it reminded me a lot of Provincetown. Our hotel was a combination of fabulous and horrifying. First of all, as soon as we walked in, I commented on the delicious smell. They had some kind of cologne wafting into the lobby on a constant loop that had us starting at, "Mmm..that smells so good" and quickly segueing to "Quick! Hold your breath! Don't breath! You're inhaling the toxins." Then Juli entered our spacious, luxurious bathroom and screamed. There was an enormous water bug (aka giant cockroach) walking around. James was dispatched to take care of it, and we never spoke of it again. Til the next night, when another one appeared in the bathroom. Where were they coming from? The open windows? We decided to keep the windows shut and erase it from our minds. We erased it until the next night when we walked in and saw another water bug, but this one was out of the bathroom and relaxing on the carpet! I'm praying that none of them decided to stow away and start a new life on the Upper West Side.  Continued...

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